I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.