He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
based al yankovic
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.