A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
monday
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.