*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
🤣
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The struggle is real.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says