*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Nose
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.