it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
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I finally found a reason to live again.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
at ease…shoulder.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth