Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Easy enough.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.