click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
hey, alexa
Baller is short for ballerina
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything