who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
he chose this