“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.