Stop being racist to kettles.
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
respect
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.