Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
i did the math
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd