It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.