I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Britain be like
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name