There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*updates tinder bio*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
damn he’s good
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”