my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.