Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
just witnessed a drug deal
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet