me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍