Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.