Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Nothing to do, you say?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Wish all of my viruses were this polite