Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.