Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I love the National Park Service.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.