The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.