If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I can’t wait!
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?