Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores