Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
😂😂😂
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
water it, i dare you
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.