*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
doing some research
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Ah..makes sense now
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
This trial is so absurd 😭
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.