I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Happens to everyone.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
But is it really??
Mhm.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down