MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead