As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.