My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.