Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You Might Also Like
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”