[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I got bills
They’re multiplying
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying