Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
@ candidates for local office
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”