“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.