Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?