I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”