I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?