As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
welcome back
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters