Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
They must have gotten it to go.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The game has officially changed 😎
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
every college guy’s fridge
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.