My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.