It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
wow he looks just like him
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?