Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.