Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder