My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe