“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
You Might Also Like
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.