Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.