*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Carpe DM
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
What kind of a cult is this?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*