Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’