I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry